If it ain't one thing it's your mother.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly. It's just that she has a peculiar way of handling the simplest things, like phone conversations. Rule number one when speaking to my mother, never ask her, "what are you talking about?" You'll find life to be easier when you just pretend you know what she's talking about. Rule number two, no matter how slowly and carefully you say something, you will probably end up having to repeat it. Case in point, below is an actual conversation I had with my mother not too long ago. It's long, but you'll understand why fairly quickly:

(Phone rings 9:00 am and I pick it up out of a dead sleep)

Me: hello
mom: hello dear it's your mother
me: hi mom, how are you?
mom: well you'd know the answer to that if you called more often
me: I called you yesterday and left a message
mom: yeah, well what about today?
me: it's nine in the morning
mom: yeah, and?
me: sorry mom
mom: never mind, I need your address to send to your aunt Sarah
me: my house address?
mom: of course not, why the hell would I need that? no the one for the computer
me: why does aunt Sarah need it?
mom: (exasperated sigh like I'm the biggest moron in the world) so she can send you her flight details
me: (now at this point I have no idea why she wants to send me her flight details, and I'm debating on whether to ask, knowing what my mother will say back. I figure what the hell) Why do I need her flight details?
mom: do you ever pay attention? She has to send them to you so you know when to pick her up?
me: (My aunt lives in England and I had no idea she was coming but I figured it was better to just agree) Ok, what time does her flight get in?
mom: 10 am
me: but I'm at work till 2:30 shouldn't she just take a cab? I wouldn't be there until 3:30 at the earliest
mom: You want your aunt to have to pay for a cab? after all she's spent coming out to visit?
me: (I'm thinking that maybe my mother would offer to pay for a cab, but I know that won't happen, so I say) wouldn't she be waiting for like 5 hours?
mom: she doesn't mind, now will you give me that address? I have to get your father up and I don't have all day
me: sure it's kbulfin@aol.com
mom: what?
me: you know like our names? (my mother and I have the same first and last name, not as much fun as you'd think)
mom: You're going to need to spell that for me, hold on while I get a pen
me: (now at this point, I really have to go to the bathroom, I'm debating whether I can do this and still talk to her at the same time, but I know I'm better off waiting)
mom: ok go ahead
me: K
mom: J?
me: no, K like Kathleen
mom: why didn't you say so ok K
me: B like boy
mom: b
me: u like umbrella
mom: u
me: l like Larry
mom: l
me: f like Frank
mom: f
me: i like ice cream
mom: i
me: n like Nancy
mom: N
me: the at sign you know the a with the circle?
mom: no, what are you talking about?
me: just tell aunt sarah it's Kbulfin then say at
mom: why
me: trust me mom, just do it
mom: you know if you're going to get nasty with me, I'll call your sister
me: (my sister lives in Conneticut and wouldn't get there by 10 pm I'm dying to point this out, but then I'll never get off the phone) sorry mom it's part of the address you have to say it
mom: why the hell didn't you just say so? you're making this very confusing
me: sorry, now after the at comes the letters a
mom: a
me: o
mom: o
me: l
mom: l
Me: then put a period
mom: a period? for what, it's not a sentence?
me: (trying not to grit my teeth) it's just part of the address
mom: ok, but she's never going to understand
me: why dont' you just have aunt Sarah call me?
mom: do you have any idea how much it costs to call america? why on earth would she want to talk to you?
me: I have no idea, sorry
mom: now is that it?
me: no the last part is com
mom: spell that one more time
me: C O M
mom: you don't have to shout, I can hear you so, C O M is that right?
me: yes (the time now is 9:27)
mom: you know, the first part of that address looks like our name
me: (inwardly sighing) I had no idea
mom: how could you not know that? there's something wrong with you. Are you coming to pick me up so we can go to Woodbridge?
me: Well, I just got up and I haven't eaten or gone to the bathroom
mom: listen dear we all have problems, you want to hear mine?
me: I'll be over in 15 minutes
mom: can you make it ten? your father is dying to get out.
me: sure see you then.

So, like I said, "If it ain't one thing, it's your mother" that's what I learned today.